Hogan Did It!!!...Again!!!
(This match was exactly the same as the previous year, but somehow much worse).
Storytelling: 2/5 stars
Match Quality: 2/5 stars
Finish: 2/5 stars-Hogan being Hogan
Winner: 2/5 stars-Hogan
Extracurriculars: 2/5 stars-Piper really hurt on commentary
TOTAL: 10/25 stars
Great Moment You May Have Forgotten: While Rick Martel was the Iron man, Greg the Hammer Valentine nailed his own work, staying alive for 44 minutes
Moment You Wish We Didn't Remind You Of: Bushwhacker Luke went in and out in 4 seconds, and Piper proclaimed it a record, forgetting about the Warlord it seems.
-Note: the next 4 entries all received 10 stars, this was ranked lowest because there was no better than average quality aspect while the others all had a beacon of light to find through the dung.
_________________________________________
Without going into too much detail because that will come at another time, the 1990 Royal Rumble was a very well done match. The right booking and hell even Hogan as the winner seemed right as the decade turned. So WWE tried not to ruin a good thing and basically run the same exact match, replacing a few key names and future Hall of Famers with worse counterparts, a pretty good match with a pretty bad match, and weakened Hogan credibility with his win this time. Yep, talk about a backfire.
In retrospect, this is a very hard to watch Rumble, as nearly a third of the competitors are dead. I felt like every time a new wrestler appeared I added them to the tragic loss of life in the past couple of decades. Dino Bravo, Texas Tornado (Kerry Von Erich), Hercules, Davey Boy Smith, Hawk, Crush, Earthquake, Mr. Perfect, and Randy Savage (although he technically didn't enter). RIP
But at least this Rumble was consistent in its lousiness. Competitors such as....sigh....Saba Simba, Tugboat, Paul Roma, and countless others were just there for show and eventual humiliation of elimination. There were some decent moments, such as Rick Martel's then record setting 52 minutes of dangling around the ring, as well as the Undertaker's debut of being a badass in Rumbles.
But this Rumble was never about Shane Douglass's career "Push", or Haku scaring the crap out of everyone by just existing. Or Randy Savage no showing the match, since that was pretty lousy regardless of the Warrior Mania match set up.
Nope, like everything in the late 80s and early 90s, it was about 1 man...TITO SANTANA...Just kidding, it's about as Howard Finkel would describe..."The Immortal One, Hulk HOOOOGANNNN!!!!"
After overcoming the odds in a much more exciting Rumble finish last year, we get Hogan in the final three with his then big (pun intended) rival Earthquake, and for some reason mid-card tag teamer Brian Knobbs of the Nasty Boys. They go to work on Hogan, doing typical heeling until Earthquake FREAKING SITS ON HIM!!!!!. It only took a millisecond or so for Hogan to no sell and show Knobbs the door. So we're down to Hogan who lost his mojo again and Earthquake who continues to wail on him. After slamming him, he proceeds to pin Hogan, beginning the long Rumble tradition of morons who don't understand the rules even though they have seen and been involved in Rumbles before. So naturally, Hogan's gonna be Hogan, juice Hulk up, and throw Earthquake out of the ring for America.
If the WWE Universe had not witnessed basically the same thing as 1990, with a worse supporting cast, a worse match quality, no story really being told, and slightly worse announcing, this would've been much higher. But the lack of risk would be largely responsible for setting up a disastrous Wrestlemania, although the idea of using the Iraq War didn't help either.
If you want to watch this match you can watch it here. although maybe you can just watch the 1990 Rumble and imagine it's this one. Next we look into a match where once again WWE did not learn its lesson from the previous year, and a finish so terrible, I wanted to give it 0 stars, but I stuck with my rules and gave it the required 1. Until tomorrow happy wine drinking or something like that.
